For those of you not familiar with Cumberland Farms, it is a family owned chain of gas stations and convenience stores located mostly in New England. There is one down the road from us where I usually purchase my gasoline. Several months ago, I was shocked to see former Bay Watch and TV semi-star David Hasselhoff’s somewhat bloated image plastered around the Cumberland Farms store and parking lot.

The image is prominent and repeated: As I pull into the lot, David’s life-sized image- fully clothed but still riding a surf board- smirks me into thinking about how odd he now seems, even as he tempts me with a refreshing beverage…. I’m pumping gas, David is eyeing me up, fluffing up his chest hair, offering me a mega-serving of iced coffee…. I make out a 99 cent gold medallion around his neck- reminding me within his chest-forest that the drink is less than a buck….. I go inside to purchase something else and -dammit- there he is again- cloned on every wall- a Jurassic-Parkesque scare tactic that makes me consider purchasing a delicious iced beverage. It’s under a dollar after all.

It seems that I am not alone in being hypnotized by sir Hoff’s glare and stare, fluffed chest hair. There has been a recent crime wave of sorts, as Rhode Islanders and neighbors are stealing the large Hoff parking lot signs from stores around the region. One brave employee recently risked his life protecting one of the sought after prizes. David himself expressed concern after hearing that this employee was injured in the line of duty- guarding one of the remaining signs from theft. Hoff tweeted his regret, and by all accounts it was a most sincere tweet.

Unfortunately, all of the above is true.

After shaking myself out of my trance, I reflected on the most disturbing aspects of this ad campaign. In no particular order, I offer these thoughts:

1. If you are surfing, why would you wear a long sleeve shirt and long pants?
2. How can you surf and drink coffee at the same time? This seems like trick photography or something.
3. In Jurassic Park, why was there a porta-potty in the middle of the T-Rex enclosure? This seems a bit contrived and I suspect was there simply so the lawyer could go into it and be exposed and eaten by the dinosaur.
4. Is David Hasselhoff getting career advice from William Shatner?
5. Did anybody see the Sponge Bob movie? The German people worshipped Hoff.
6. Does Germany have eBay? If so, can someone help me post something for sale there. Don’t worry about what it is. That’s my business.

On a related, note, I’m a bit nervous about my first fantasy football draft this Sunday. Anyone have any advice? Here is my logo for my team. Notice there is nothing this week about custom pinball machines- but I have a new idea for a design….